Standing on the outside looking in

The title of this post is pretty much how i’ve been feeling of late.

Well, not so much of late, but the last twelve months if I’m going to be honest.

Fun has been hard to find.

My days more often than not feel like i’m wandering through the universe, lost, unsure of why i’m here.

I may have taken five trips, three of those short and two of them work – one overseas. I’ve been catching up with friends a little more. Trying, but failing, to get out and be more active. I’ve tried eating out more, finding new places, sharing reviews.

But lasting or recurrent fun hasn’t been found.

I’ve been left feeling in a rut. I’ve come to comprehend that I struggle to connect with people, fear stepping outside of my comfort zone, and can’t for the life of me figure out how to start a conversation or meet someone new.

Feeling robotic.

I’ve sat at home some weekends and evenings, seeing people I know out and about having a great time. Watching them catch up for picnics, dinners, movies or shows, or casually sharing a meal. All enjoying the things I’d like to do, but not knowing how to join in or even be someone people would like to join them.

And that feeling of longing gets even worse when the brain turns to feelings of longing for relationships.

Of the three women I know who i’m genuinely interested in, I’m pretty sure I bombed out with one thanks to being totally out of my comfort zone – with no chance at a do over any time soon thanks to distance. Of the other two, distance puts the kibosh again on one of them, and the other likely doesn’t have a clue I’m remotely interested in her.

And lord, trying to get anywhere on a dating site is another cesspool of disapointment. A number of women out there I find interesting on multiple levels, but I’m utterly clueless on how to try and start the conversation.

And this whole feeling isn’t helped by looking around at some of my male acquaintances – and seeing the women they’ve landed. Brainy, experienced, funny, active, and frankly very attractive all in their own right. These guys are as smart as me, and somehow managed to land these women.

There’s little Dopamine, Serotonin, Endorphins or Oxytocin flowing, anywhere, and I’m struggling to make them flow.

But, and here’s the point where I get unstuck.

I have no idea how the hell I’m supposed to get past this.

I don’t know the first person I can talk to for advice on this. I don’t know how to learn what I need to get past where I come unstuck.

I don’t know what to do.

Which surprises me. I’ve managed to get this far, acquire some valuable skills which the market puts a reasonable price on. I can learn technical skills quickly, and have been able to execute everything i’ve learned to make the good great.

But when it comes to learning inter-personal skills, I’m lost at see.

There is no manual, no textbook, no guide, to figure out how to master them.

And being so out of practice, and constantly standing on the outside looking in, very few chances to even try and practice, and break out of this uncomfortable place.

I feel like the metaphorical mime inside the box. I can see what is outside of it, I can touch the edges of the box, but I just don’t know how to escape it.