Another day, another nightmare.
I didn’t go to work yesterday, and I’m not there today either. Those who know me understand that this is not something I like to do. You may think than an extra day off work might be fun, but for me it’s anything but.
As a member of an increasingly shrinking team, it’s hard enough to do our already expanding jobs without having to pick up the workload of another. And as someone with a truckload of technical and operational knowledge, when I’m not in the building it makes these things that little bit harder to deal with. I really feel like I’m not giving my all and leaving my workmates in the lurch, two things which don’t sit well with my values system.
I’ve been officially suffering diagnosed clinical depression for well over three years now. Unofficially, its been more like 10-15 years. This has some pretty annoying affects on my body, from the ability to sleep, think and even achieve basic important tasks such as keeping the house clean or doing the dirty laundry (and that’s not a reference to the Clint Black ad from the US version of the apprentice either).
The last two days, I’ve felt like my head is about to explode. Every bone in my face feels like its aching, and nothing helps. This is a symptom that I’ve been putting up with for a couple of years on and off, only getting worse in the last few months.
This also has an annoying side effect of royally altering my sleep patterns – last night only managing four hours of sleep, which included waking up about 4am for reasons not yet apparent other than to jot down this strange and almost brilliant idea for dealing with a business issue within state government environmental circles. No idea why this came to my mind then.
One of the things which I find distracts me is ‘moofies’ (a good ol’ D Generation/Late Show reference for those who don’t know what I’m taking about, look it up people). The problem is that nothing released of late, TV, big screen or otherwise has excited me enough to actually watch it. Most of the UK small screen fare I watch is either delayed or off the boil – Hustle (BBC1, Kudos Productions/Shine Group) being a good example. It just doesn’t have the same zing as previous seasons, and while Kelly Adams is smashing to look at, the scripts and dialogue just don’t have that same level of class that I’ve come to expect with this franchise.
And while I could always download a season or two of Mad Men (AMC, Lionsgate Television), I’ve really got to be in a specific mood for that show as much as I may like it, the really classy and thought out dialogue, and the real period nature of the filming, props and costuming.
So yes, I don’t know how I’m going to stop myself from screaming blue bloody murder today. Painkillers and headache tablets never work, so I avoid them for when I feel like this at all cost save only to stop their effectiveness being reduced when really needed. And as my debit account has been overdrawn thanks to a rather annoying hotel chain placing a AUD 1k pre-authorisation, and not having revoked it yet despite having checked out three days ago and paying the final account in full, I’m stuck using a growing pile of gift cards from a survey company to stock up.
This of course forces me to travel farther than I think I can manage just to pick up a carton of milk, which for someone in my condition and state of mind is something I should be doing to prove that I can but don’t know if I can manage it without a panic/anxiety attack right now. The whole panic/anxiety thing is why I pulled out of a residential treatment program for depression at the last minute in January, and I’m still psyching myself up to try it or an alternative option again.
So, its a constant conundrum I face. Suggestions other than a bullet or euthanasia openly welcomed and encouraged.